NAVIGATING THE LOSS OF A PET
A guide for parents, nannies and babysitters.
Losing a pet can be a deeply emotional experience for the entire family, especially for children. Pets become beloved family members, and their loss can leave a significant impact and a deep sense of loss. As parents, it can be challenging to know how to support your child through this difficult time. Every family has unique needs and every child will navigate it in their own way. Deciding if, when, and how to tell your child about loss of a pet is up to each individual. We have put together a few suggestions and resources to help you navigate this difficult time, guide conversations, and provide the comfort your child needs.
Be Honest and Age-Appropriate
Children need honesty when it comes to the death of a pet, but the way you explain it should be appropriate for their age and understanding. It can be a very difficult topic for young children and older children in very different ways so helping them work through it in a way that is appropriate for their age might look something like this;
Young Children (Under 5): Use simple and clear language. Explain that the pet has died and won't be coming back. Avoid euphemisms like "gone to sleep" which can be confusing or even create fear around sleep. Answer questions clearly, succinctly and without bringing in new and ambiguous details.
School-Aged Children (5-12): Provide a bit more detail, such as explaining that the pet's body stopped working and that this is a natural part of life. If you have spiritual or religious beliefs, this age is more prepared to explore that with you.
Teenagers: Be more open about the process and encourage them to express their feelings and ask questions. Be prepared for difficult questions as much as you can be.
Encourage Expression of Emotions
Allow your child to express their grief in their own way. Encourage them to talk about their feelings, draw pictures, or write a letter to the pet. You may notice they aren’t expressing emotions through sadness, so try to prepare for other waves of emotions and unusual behaviours.
Reassure them that it's okay to feel sad, angry, or confused. It's also important to understand that every child and person grieves differently, and if your child doesn't seem sad, that's okay too. They will process their emotions in a way that might be confusing and difficult for parents to understand when they are grieving.
Communicate with Caregivers, Nannies, and Babysitters
It's important to share with caregivers, nannies, and babysitters how you are communicating the loss with your child. It’s a time of grief and these conversations are difficult, but briefly communicating your messaging to caregivers ensures that they can provide consistent support and reinforce the messages you've given. Here are some suggestions:
Share the Language: Let them know the specific terms and explanations you've used with your child.
Discuss Emotions: Inform them about any strong emotions your child may be experiencing and how you've been addressing them.
Provide Resources: Give caregivers, nannies, and babysitters access to the books and online resources you've been using so they can continue the supportive conversations in your absence.
Religious Expectations: If you have specific religious beliefs or practices regarding death, make sure to communicate these to caregivers, nannies, and babysitters. This ensures that the discussions remain respectful and align with your family's values.
Answering Difficult Questions
Children often have many questions when a pet dies and when parents, caregivers or nannies are caught off guard it can cause a wave of emotions or even frustration during what is a difficult time for the entire family. Here are some examples of questions children might ask to prepare for:
Where is their body?
What happens to them?
Did she go to another planet?
What is it like in heaven?
When are they coming back?
Who will keep us safe?
Was she bad?
Who is taking care of her?
Can I die if I get sick?
Could our pet come back?
Are they in space? Are they on a another planet?
Did they go to the sky?
Where is heaven? Will I go to heaven?
Can we get another pet?
Create a Memorial
Creating a memorial can be a healing process for the entire family. This could be as simple as planting a tree, creating a scrapbook of memories, making a video or folder of images to look through, printing a photo, drawing or painting the pet, creating a garden, reminiscing, or holding a small ceremony to say goodbye.
Read Books Together
Reading books about pet loss can help children understand their feelings and know they are not alone. Here are some recommended books:
"The Invisible Leash" by Patrice Karst – A touching story about the enduring connection between a boy and his dog.
"When a Pet Dies" by Fred Rogers – Offers a gentle approach to discussing the loss of a pet with young children.
"The Tenth Good Thing About Barney" by Judith Viorst – Helps children find comfort by remembering the good things about their pet.
Seek Professional Support
If your child is struggling to cope with the loss of a pet, it might be helpful to seek the support of a child therapist or counselor. Grief can sometimes trigger deeper emotional issues, and a professional can provide the tools and strategies to help your child heal.
And finally, don’t forget to take time for yourself.
It’s ok if you are not ok. The loss of a pet is hard, but with honesty, support, and the right resources, you can help your family navigate their grief. By acknowledging their feelings, and your own, while creating a safe space for children to express themselves, you can guide them through this challenging time with compassion and understanding.
Additionally, keeping caregivers, nannies, and babysitters informed ensures that your child receives consistent support, no matter who is with them. And, make sure to take care of yourself, as parents we are often so concerned about the emotions of others, we forget to care for ourselves. We are here for you.
Resources:
Psychology Today Magazine – Getting Over Rover: Why Our Grief Over a Dog is so Intense.
HelpGuide.org A comprehensive guide to understanding grief after the loss of a pet as well as how to handle it when others devalue your loss. Additional resources include helping a child deal with pet loss and how you might know when it’s time to move on after a loss.